My house, my rules

Half-term is just about to kick off and it’s going to be a long two weeks for the average parent….

Even when your kids are in school, running a busy household is hard going.  And it can be messy – really messy – when everyone has different timetables, interests and, well, stuff.

I recently spent a day decluttering with a mum of two and her children.  We focused exclusively on her kids’ clothes and toys and, by keeping only what the children use, like to wear and what fits them, we managed to significantly downsize their belongings.

‘Main character energy’

I’ve worked with this wonderful family before and at the end of the session the children – young adolescents – said the transformation had given their bedrooms ‘main character energy’. They told me this is what today’s teens say when they’ve made their happiness a priority!

Whether you're decluttering with the support of a KonMari consultant or not, there are times when kids will willingly engage with the process of getting their rooms in order and there are times when they’ll stubbornly resist.

They will ignore your ‘please tidy your room’ asks, even when you’re pleading with them for the umpteenth time.  You might get a bit of door slamming, the silent treatment, or the dreaded ‘I hate you’ look. I even got a few of these seething stares from my dog when he was going through his teenage phase.  It would happen every time I got the hoover out and he would protest by tipping his toy box over onto the lounge room floor.

Better conversations

On the plus side, now that I declutter and coach professionally, I have time to give thought to how we can best handle challenging conversations like these.

Telling others – including dogs – they need to get into line because you say so (the good old ‘it’s my house, so it’s my rules’ approach) is unlikely to work.  There can also be consequences beyond your child’s instant emotional reaction (a grunt here, a tantrum there).  I believe that, just as we wouldn’t expect a positive reaction if we tried to lay down the law in this way to an adult, it may be unhelpful to think this type of order will land well with the average child or hormonal teen.

Instead, if you want a peaceful house over the school holidays and one that you can still use to encourage your children in the right direction, try thinking about the situation in another way – one that goes some way towards compromise and meeting your kids where they’re at, while continuing to set an example that the family home should be respected, and so should the belongings that are in it.

I’m a huge fan of psychiatrist Professor Steve Peters who suggests tweaking the ‘my house, my rules’ way of thinking to something closer to ‘it’s my house, but it’s your room’.

This shift creates space for kids and young adults to find their way, and it still allows parents to have a constructive dialogue about rules and to enforce boundaries on mess.

Other tactics

When things get tough, it can be helpful to remember what a happy home symbolises within family life.  A home is a place that evokes feelings of calm, safety, security, and happiness.

Sometimes creating these feelings will mean preventing or de-escalating an argument and accepting a bit of mess.  At other times, it will involve asking for the whole household – and this includes young children and teens – to help out and collaborate to bring about this result.

You could also try:

1.Dealing with your own mess and clutter first.  This tactic works in all manner of situations – with a partner, spouse and kids.  Often, people see how living with less stuff has benefited you, and this is enough to spark a change in their own habits.

2.Have a regular decluttering session ahead of a birthday or annual celebration.  Both can be good occasions to reflect on whether toys, games etc still reflect your child or teenager’s interests. E.g. ahead of an eight-year old’s next birthday you could ask them, ‘do you think 9-year-old you will still be into football?’ Questions like this will help isolate what brings the child joy and how they want to develop over the year ahead. 

3.Set boundaries by agreeing what comes in, and what doesn’t.  Make sure that you communicate your decision to family, friends and to anyone else who typically buys things for your kids.  E.g. some families find it helpful to sett boundaries on the number of gifts their offspring receive, such as three gifts at Xmas – something to wear, something to read and something to play with.  This type of rule limits the volume of things children receive, and it can help youngsters develop a keen sense of discernment.

4.Take care of your things – and pass these skills on.  If your child starts to show an interest, teach them whatever mending and DIY skills you have.  Even small things like showing them how to polish their shoes or to sew on a button will empower them.  It will also help position your children to enjoy what they already have, rather than constantly pursuing more.